NEW YEARS RESOLUTION

The year started with a vapid thud
Accountability flew out the window
as I flew over the bipartisan country
I care nothing about
feel nothing for
We sit
in separate seats
separate aisles
We exist in separate worlds
Alone and confused
overflowing with venom
that has been bottled up for too long
My year began 
in the greatest of isolations
Utterly alone
As my physical body absorbed the heat waves
from the millions around me
and their shouts of jubilee
erupted around my head
I felt only me,
my pity,
my sigh
And on I cry

Xanax, 
Bloody Marys, 
casino chips
unrumpled sheets
thoughts of razor blades
and flying
through plate glass windows
bet
bet 
bet some more
Bet on your happiness
but remember
the odds are stacked against you
Know you are merely a necessity
Recognize the empty frost
in the eyes of unemotion
Say goodbye to sentimentality
and tradition(al love)

And as always
airplanes take me to tomorrow
I am forgotten by me
and the sin is that
he knows too much
feels too little
thinks too slow
speaks to fast
please bring me another vodka
Please
I'm starting to bend
My resignation is half written
and 3/4 improvised
(the extra quarter thrown up for the ante)

Flying back to the rotten apple
to drink sour milk
and rest my brain

I saw my mother on the sidelines of my life
never cheering
I saw my father fumble the ball
again and again
I realized I was alone in the game
My coach had passed on 
before teaching me the secret
of staying viable
of remaining a player
And I know that in chasing the boys
I have always been chasing
parental love
Or, rather
maternal love
A father, I never needed
My mother was my father
All law and no nurturing

So I gave up 
my comfort
my happiness
my money
my mummers
to learn 
I had not learned a thing all year
As we sit
separated by our past
I know our team has dissolved
into tiny particles of spittle
flung across a dusty room
As our altitude increases
and the drugs soothe the nerves
clarity creeps to me
The strip
to midnight tick
my elucidation
My new years resolution
was to stop reiterating bullshit

So, I'll fly back
to lonely kitty
back to the lumpy futon
the stench of stale cigarettes
the hum of dissatisfaction
the absolute power of the heart
that has no regard
for right or wrong
or even
life or death

but I will not listen

I want to swallow the sun 
as my cure
but I wonder
would it light up my insides
or will I only cast its rays 
on everyone else
when I open my eyes 
and look upon them.

---Christina Harvey@2000
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